Wednesday, December 30, 2009

'Tis the Season

Los Strawberitos have always been known for giving- giving their opponents beatings, giving each other butt pats. But this holiday season, the Itos are giving to their communities in other ways.

Gerardo "Mama Bear" Horta donated 14 pairs of tall black socks to a local orphanage, and Drew "Dr. Numbfingers, etc." Halfbeast gave one of his nicknames to a needy highschooler, who otherwise might have had to leave the school's wrestling team. Tom "Witness Protection" Smith gave dancing lessons to a group of underpriveledged youth. As one youth said afterwards, "Man, now I can dance just like Michael Jackson. The multiple slaps in the face were really worth it, and actually taught me a valuable lesson about not wearing dorky clothes such as this sweater."

Pito "Pistolero" Franklemetrics donated a drawing of trees to the city of Cleveland, and Benito "Dresspants" Nuuuuuuhmmn signed autographs for 29 consecutive hours at a Jewish retirement home in Miami. Bob "Postgame" Ferris spent all of Christmas day cooking a Squenison feast at a local homeless shelter, and Curley "Jonathan" Curlito shaved his head in order to donate a lovely wig to a child with lukemia.

Ben "FNG" Fanoff was scheduled to help build houses for quadrapalegic swine flu victims from Sudan, but had to cancel at the last minute. He sent an apology by text: "Cnt mk it. Powder too sweet. Srry." Juanito "Chestkingito" Riccobonito, however, came through with flying colors. As his Kwanza gift to New jersey he waived his usual 750,000 dollar speaking fee and gave an inspirational talk to a group of 4th graders in Newark. "Kids," he told them "When times get [expletive] tough, [expletive] it. [Extended expletive] grab your [expletive] by the [expletive] and just chomp down on life like it was a pair of testicles."

Perhaps the brightest gift of all came from Pedrazo "Tritipito" Peterson who gave an individually wrapped present to every scholarship student at two Catholic women's colleges- Our Lady of Perpetual Temptation in Santa Monica and Santa Catalina do las Piernas en Rio de Janeiro. Inside each festive gift box? A signed framed photo of Peterson in his new Brazialian swimsuit.