Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Paparazzi Photos Drunk Dancing Itos

Apparently Los Strawberitos' offseason is not all windsprints and dunking drills. A photographer for Us Magazine snapped this shot of Rookie "Witness Protection" Smith and Curlito "Third Shirt's the Charm" Curley in the midst of a drunken dancing rampage.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Sethtastico Hubbard Free Agency Drama Finally Ends

In an hour-long, televised press conference Sethtastico "Hubba Hubba" Hubbard ended the suspense and signed with Los Strawberitos. For months, the world's most famous basketball player kept sports fans on tenterhooks as he delayed deciding which team he would join.

Los Strawberitos faced fierce competition for Hubbard. The Broken Shovels had by far the most salary-cap room of any team. Their offer was reportedly the most lucrative, and included a 40% ownership stake in Digg.com. Someone close to the negotiations also said the Shovels offered to establish an official team rule that would have made Hubbard the only team member to be allowed to shoot or dribble. It was not enough to lure Sethtastico.

Hubbard may have been tempted by the Ninja Happymeals, and a chance to play with guard Scrawny van Scoresalot. Reportedly, when Sethtastico expressed reservations about playing with Scrawny's troubled and troublesome teammate Dhooshi bin Lhezi Rhunshismouth, the Ninja Happymeals front office offered to cut Rhunshismouth and have him shot in a local park.

In the end though, it was Los Strawberitos with their generous beer and taco bonus package, storied history, seven season winning streak, and sartorial excellence that won Hubbard over. He concluded the prime-time press conference saying, "I've been dreaming of wearing that pink for a long, long time."

Hubbard was not the only player Los Itos considered signing. General Manager Juanito Riccojuanazo told our reporters, "We were considering signing God. His ability to cover opponents in boils is unrivaled in the league, but in the end he just doesn't have Hubbard's combination of strength and skill. Also there were questions about his health, including one unconfirmed report that he was dead."

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Ringworm Brothers Forfeit, Flee

Los Strawberitos completed their undefeated season last night when the Ringworm Brothers, who were to have been the Itos last regular-season opponents, forfeited the game and fled the state.

The Ringworm captain, Galumphy van Cromagnon, left this message for Comish Dennis Huang: "We regret to inform the league that we will forfeit tonights game. It turns out we just love being alive, with all internal organs in place."

No member of the Ringworm Brothers could be reached for comment and all appear to have left the state and gone into hiding. It appears that each player fled to a different location in hopes of not being traced. A close friend of one Ringworm, who declined to give his name, said, "Alls I can tell you is they're far away from those monsters in pink."

Strawberitos coach, Sideline Bill, had this to say: "It would have been nice to rip their livers out. Crush their hopes and dreams like puffy popcorn in a powerful paper press. Maybe eat their children. But we'll take the win. We're looking ahead to the playoffs." Los Itos play Halfwit Hennessy next Wednesday for a spot in the world championship game.

In late breaking news, it appears that one Ringworm Brother made the unfortunate choice of fleeing to Wayne New Jersey. he was spotted sprinting across a strip-mall parking lot, pursued by a man wearing only a John Starks jersey.