Wednesday, December 30, 2009

'Tis the Season

Los Strawberitos have always been known for giving- giving their opponents beatings, giving each other butt pats. But this holiday season, the Itos are giving to their communities in other ways.

Gerardo "Mama Bear" Horta donated 14 pairs of tall black socks to a local orphanage, and Drew "Dr. Numbfingers, etc." Halfbeast gave one of his nicknames to a needy highschooler, who otherwise might have had to leave the school's wrestling team. Tom "Witness Protection" Smith gave dancing lessons to a group of underpriveledged youth. As one youth said afterwards, "Man, now I can dance just like Michael Jackson. The multiple slaps in the face were really worth it, and actually taught me a valuable lesson about not wearing dorky clothes such as this sweater."

Pito "Pistolero" Franklemetrics donated a drawing of trees to the city of Cleveland, and Benito "Dresspants" Nuuuuuuhmmn signed autographs for 29 consecutive hours at a Jewish retirement home in Miami. Bob "Postgame" Ferris spent all of Christmas day cooking a Squenison feast at a local homeless shelter, and Curley "Jonathan" Curlito shaved his head in order to donate a lovely wig to a child with lukemia.

Ben "FNG" Fanoff was scheduled to help build houses for quadrapalegic swine flu victims from Sudan, but had to cancel at the last minute. He sent an apology by text: "Cnt mk it. Powder too sweet. Srry." Juanito "Chestkingito" Riccobonito, however, came through with flying colors. As his Kwanza gift to New jersey he waived his usual 750,000 dollar speaking fee and gave an inspirational talk to a group of 4th graders in Newark. "Kids," he told them "When times get [expletive] tough, [expletive] it. [Extended expletive] grab your [expletive] by the [expletive] and just chomp down on life like it was a pair of testicles."

Perhaps the brightest gift of all came from Pedrazo "Tritipito" Peterson who gave an individually wrapped present to every scholarship student at two Catholic women's colleges- Our Lady of Perpetual Temptation in Santa Monica and Santa Catalina do las Piernas en Rio de Janeiro. Inside each festive gift box? A signed framed photo of Peterson in his new Brazialian swimsuit.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

New Stat Policy Stirs Trouble

Yes, Los Strawberitos have gone undefeated for four straight seasons. Yes, they have held seven different opponents scoreless, won every game by at least 45 points, and are as SOGgy as they come. But will the new UCSF policy of keeping individual player statistics drive Los Itos to crack apart at the seams?

Beginning with tonight's games, statistics including points scored, field goal percentage, balls off the forehead, winks at gorgeous freckly girls, and butt pats will be officially tallied. Already, it seems, this has caused some infighting amongst the Itos.

One Ito, who asked that his name be withheld, said, "Well, we can just basically assume that Gerardo will never pass the ball again. He's always been a bit of a ball hog, and this will probably push him over the edge. I think I'll only give him the ball as a last resort."

Drew "Halfbeast" "Afternoon Delights" "Steamtrain" "Numbfingers" "Koolaid" Halfman, told this reporter, "If Curlito tries to pull me from the game just to pad his goddamn wink stats, I will fight him. There will be bare-knucklism."

Soon enough it will become clear whether this will be yet another season of Strawberito triumph or whether their empire will crumble into ruins of bickering, uncalled-for butt pats, and bare-knucklism.

Friday, July 17, 2009

"Breaking" News: 'Ito Suffers Broken (or at least, really, really sore) ribs during WARMUPS.

That's how badass we are, folks.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Rookito Injured!

In last Thursday's 45 point victory of the Whore Horses, Rookito Tom M. Smithito was badly injured by the flapping lip of the Whore Horses' #10- Douchebag del Floppyhair Whinesalot Jr.. Smithito's right eye was badly bruised when del Floppyhair Whinesalot's lower lip slapped el Rookito in the face as Tom drove past #10 for the dunk.

After the game, Tomito told reporters, "Yeah, it stings, and I'm sure it'll look like high-class drag queen eye make up in the morning." He said he did not think Douchebag hit him on purpose, but rather that Douchebag "just keeps that revolting pie-hole in such a frenzy at all times. I think he has no idea where his lips are at any given moment. It's a hazard."

Whinesalot kept his gigantic, fleshy lips in constant motion throughout the game, complaining of fouls, travels, uniform violations, illegal defense, offsides, high-sticking, and jaywalking on each and every possession.

El Rookito was not the only casualty. Both refs, three Strawberitos, and even a fellow Whore Horse were treated for nausea and ear discomfort after listening to del Floppyhair Whinesalot Jr. for the duration of the game.

Said Comish Dennis Hoang, "We're looking into the legality of having his vocal cords cut like they do to those yappy little dogs."

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Rumors Swirl About Riccobono's Demand for Trade

After Los Strawberitos humiliated the Hoopsters last Thursday night, the joy of victory permeated the Itos locker room. But the smiles, laughter, and butt pats were just a thin veneer above a swirl of rumor, controversy, and speculation. It seems that the Itos leading scorer (in more ways than one), Juanito "Chest King" Riccobonito has demanded that he be traded to the Bananitos of Wayne, New Jersey. Chest King has refused to discuss his reasons, saying only, "Wayne! Wayne! Wayne!"

Several theories have been floated. One theory is that Riccobono is feeling the pressure of being the leading scorer on the Itos and is looking for a more relaxed role. Ricco was heard shouting "Move it, move it, move it!" at his teammates, (and post-game at several patrons at the bar) and some have speculated that Juanito is cracking up under the pressure. If he were to play for the Bananitos, Ricco would be the third string towel boy behind 7'3" Kryzyx Balanavanskinski of Dhunkbollistan.

Some say the trade demand has less to do with basketball than it does with location. One Strawberito, who spoke on the condition of anonimity, said, "He just hates the Bay Area. The beautiful scenery, boundless nightlife, perfect weather, and freckly girls just make him nervous, and the lack of strip malls gives him hives. We just want Boner to be happy."

Other Itos were less sanguine, and were apparently plotting to involve Riccobono in a nightclub/taser/farm animal incident that would lead to legal troubles and a Julius-style anklet that would keep the Chest King in state for the forseable future.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Barack Obama can talk some shit!

We may want to mix these in to the next version of our theme song.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

"Rogue Strawberitos destroy souls at University Open Gym"

The RSF Open Gym at the UC Berkeley Campus was host to a series of horrid atrocities early Monday afternoon. Witnesses confirmed Tom Smith, Bob Faris, and Johnnybones at the scene, drinking blood and eating the intestines of student athletes who thought they were in for a session of simple pick up basketball, which many students on campus turn to for cardiovascular exercise and character building. Instead, said students were subjected to 3 hours of torture, cannibalism, and of course, the Strawberito legend of "soul sucking" in which one human being literally sucks the soul through the knee caps of another human being.

"The big one," a survivor said, "they called him Bob...there was just...blood...everywhere."

Other witnesses identified future Strawberito Tom Smith. "It was his dirty white tee shirt," an onlooker said. "Unmistakable. When you see the soiled white cotton, you rarely live to tell about it. I guess I just got lucky." This eye witness who chose to remain unnamed, "One minute he's calling out 'free throw' in an effort to designate his place on the court, the next minute, he's eating testicles."

It seems the game had started out as any regular game of pick up basketball would. Witnesses testify that one of the victims who (surprisingly) was actually on the same team of the Strawberitos made a mistake which cost him his life. Johnnnybones acknowledged his hard work gathering a rebound and said "Take it to the hoop, shoot it, shoot it, you deserve it paison!" The blond headed, barely post pubescent victim grew angry, retorting with, "No! That's not how this game is run!" Johhnybones was simply encouraging him in an effort to bolster his confidence. It was at this point that the Strawberito rage spurred the carnage.

Following this catalyst, the 3 Strawberitos took on the remaining 7 players. It started out with free throw range jump shots, beast moves to the hoop, and no look passes. It ended with testicle munching, spine smashing, and of course, crotchular moisture bombs from the adoring female on lookers.

No Strawberitos could be caught for questioning by the press, however one bystander reported that after the atrocities were over, after all the carnage and sexual arousal, Tom Smith's only words were, "I could go for a McDonald's Sunday."

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Strawberitos Win Game, Lose Money

The Office of the Commissioner has announced that Strawberitos Pete "Pistolerito" Frankletronics and Pedrazo "Tritipito" Pistolson have each been fined $10,000 for their conduct in Los Strawberitos 57-56 win over MOD/16/GLUP/17-B last Thursday.
In a brief interview, the Comish stated, "Mr. Franklemaster's vicious clothesline kung-fu throat punch intentional foul was just unnacceptable. I know that the competition gets fierce, but Franklefest is a role model for thousands of kids out there."
During the play in question, Pistolerito chased down Elbert McGangly of MOD-14/POO and thrust his fist through McGangly's throat. Blood poured forth in a fountain that soaked members of the crowd and press in the front rows. McGangly was taken to a hospital where he continues in stable but serious condition. Pistols was hit with a technical foul but was not ejected.
Through his agent, Frankleweb said in response to the fine, "I was just trying to hold McGangly up so he wouldn't fall. By the throat. With my fist."
Tritipito's fine was issued for arguing with the referee of the game, Chubbly FitzCataracts. Disagreeing with a no-call on what appeared to be a clear foul, Pedrazo yelled to FitzCataracts, "You [expletive] [expletive] fuckface. That was an [expletive] foul." When FitzCataracts did not respond, the enraged Strawberito rammed a finger of each hand into each of the ref's nostrils and pulled him close. "You [expletive] [expletive]! I'll [expletive] your [expletive] with a [expletive] goatfucking [expletive] waxing services mutherfucker!" The Comish stated, "Mr. Pedroson (sic) must learn to express his opinions in an appropriate manner."
Pedro told this reporter, "That's bullshit. I was totally calm. I think I said 'please' six times."
Both players claimed that the $10,000 fines would not be much of a hardship. Franklefeast said, "Guess I'll just have them hold the diamond dust in the cocain for a night."

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Nice uni's!

We all know Strawberry Creek can be a rough place, but this may be taking it too far. These hoodlums need to be dealt with.

Watch this video--it includes a wild twist ending.

Go 'Itos.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Trouble brewing in Strawberito locker room?

Trouble in Strawberito locker room?

Early reports following Thursday night’s nail biting 45 point victory indicated a potential division between players in the Strawberito locker room. It is said that some are starting to question Jonathan Curley’s dedication to the franchise. Unnamed players are pointing to Curley’s devotion to his music as a distraction to the season.

“It’s just a matter of focus,” one player said. “You see him out there going through the motions. It’s like when he’s shooting foul shots, his mind is wrapped around potential lyrics to a new hit pop tune, and nowhere near where it should be which is to make that foul shot!”

Sources confirmed earlier this week that Jonathan Curley did play a show at the famed “Stork Club” of Oakland. Those who were there did indicate that Curley “brought the house down” with his infusion of experimental post modern electro hip hop and folky acoustic sing-alongs. “There’s just nobody out there that can touch him,” a fan said. “When he gets up there and hits play on his computer--that music kicks in and just takes you over. You have no choice but to shake your pants.”

While Curley’s music may equate to a religious experience to some, others are singing a different tune. It is believed that at least 3 members of the Strawberitos are frustrated with Curley’s off the court antics, whereas the other remaining players seem to have been seduced by Curley’s musical vision. An internet rumor indicated that at least one Strawberito member was actually seen wearing a “Team Nisto” fan shirt—Team Nisto, of course, Curley’s musical alter ego.


In other news, Drew “Kool-Aid” Halfmann was curiously absent from Thursday night’s game. Halfmann has a history of unexplained absences during his career. Could this add to the growing rift in the Strawberito locker room? Probably not.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Berkeley Legend Tom Smith to join 'Itos?




Rumors were swirling early Wednesday afternoon after an insider leaked confidential information from within the Strawberito organization.  At this point, nothing is confirmed and no one has been identified, although many sources point to current Strawberito guard, Ben Sanoff, as the potential leak due to his close ties with the Oakland Tribune and the San Francisco Chronicle. 


The intergoogle message boards were electrified by rumors of a new potential free agent signing for the up and coming Strawberito season 3.  Again, nothing is confirmed, but many believe the club has been in negotiations with long time Berkeley legend, Tom Smith, to fill the vacant roster spot, in an effort to fortify the Strawberito front court. 


Smith denied comment to reporters as he was seen exiting an Oakland night club called The Stork Club late Tuesday night.  “Leave me alone,” Smith said.  When asked about his slightly hipster appearance, Smith smirked and replied,” Hey, my wife dresses me.  Happy wife, happy life.”  With that, he disappeared into the shadows.


Stay tuned for more late breaking information as this story develops.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Strawberitos Winter 2009 Schedule

15 Jan 9 pm Booty
22 Jan 6 pm Advent Ballers
29 Jan 9 pm MOD 6/17
05 Feb 6 pm Flander's Five
12 Feb 9 pm Hoopsters
19 Feb 6 pm Boardcrashers
26 Feb 6 pm Shockers
05 Mar 6 pm Playoffs
12 Mar 7 pm Finals

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Strawberito Board Announces Official Drink of Los Strawberitos.

The elder statesmen of the Strawberito Board held a press conference earlier today to announce the induction of the Official Beverage of the Los Strawberitos franchise. The apropriately named, Strawberito, was announced after much deliberation.  Many were shocked and appalled when the announcement was made as many believed Pabst Blue Ribbon to be the favorite.  The Strawberito is born whence vodka, strawberry liquere, lime, mint, sugar, and soda are combined in a frost mug, topped off by a pink umbrella.

For best results, consume after 10 PBR's.

The Strawberito is the national drink of the Czech Republic where millions have toasted the Strawberitos with "Long's drinks" at Café Egerländer at Prague's Hotel Monty for a mere 125 koruna.

Friday, January 23, 2009

NCAA Traveling Rules

Rule 4, Section 48.

Art. 1. A pivot takes place when a player who is holding the ball steps once
or more than once in any direction with the same foot, while the other foot,
called the pivot foot, is kept at its point of contact with the playing court.

Rule 4, Section 66.

Art. 1. Traveling occurs when a player holding the ball moves a foot or both
feet in any direction in excess of prescribed limits described in this Rule.
Art. 2. A player who catches the ball with both feet on the playing court
may pivot, using either foot. When one foot is lifted, the other is the pivot
Art. 3. A player who catches the ball while moving or dribbling may stop
and establish a pivot foot as follows:
a. When both feet are off the playing court and the player lands:
1. Simultaneously on both feet, either may be the pivot foot;
2. On one foot followed by the other, the first foot to touch shall be
the pivot foot;
3. On one foot, the player may jump off that foot and simultane-
ously land on both; neither foot can be the pivot foot.
b. When one foot is on the playing court:
1. That foot shall be the pivot foot when the other foot touches in a
2. The player may jump off that foot and simultaneously land on
both; neither foot can then be the pivot foot.
Art. 4. After coming to a stop and establishing the pivot foot:
a. The pivot foot may be lifted, but not returned to the playing court,
before the ball is released on a pass or try for goal;
b. The pivot foot shall not be lifted before the ball is released to start a
Art. 5. After coming to a stop when neither foot can be the pivot foot:
a. One or both feet may be lifted, but may not be returned to the play-
ing court, before the ball is released on a pass or try for goal;
b. Neither foot shall be lifted, before the ball is released, to start a drib-

Happy Ending for 12 Gauge

12 Gauge hits the game winner on Sunday at the Creek.

Strawberitos win by 45 Again!

Most observers wondered how the 'itos would deal with the absence of star point guard, shooting guard, power forward, and enforcer, the "Chest King".

It turns out that the Chest King, not Brad Pitt, is the team's actual clubhouse cancer as they rolled to victory without him. The Strawberitos were down 45-43 at the half but ran off 47 unanswered points largely by forcing their opponents to pick up traveling violations and then heaving full court shots without any preliminary pivoting or dribbling.

The league commissioner, eager to catch a glimpse of his favorite team, expressed awe and fascination. All of the strawberitos (with the exception of Chest King) got some that evening.

The Angel Awards (The Strawberries)

John “Chest King”--Most Vigorous Penetration/Mother’s Vocation: Prostitute

Pedro “Tri-Tip”—-Yes We Can! Dive for Loose Balls Award

Drew “Kool-Aid”--Elder Statesman

Curley “Curley”-—Music and Choreography

"Pistol" Pete--“We should have beat those guys!”Post-Hoc Optimism Award

Bob “12-Gauge”—Party Planner

“Original Ben”—Best Dressed

Ben “FNG”-—Hired Gun

Josh “Brad Pitt”—Best Eyes and Clubhouse Cancer

Jeff “Happy Ending”—The Missing Ingredient

The Strawberry Creek Almanac

Please contribute to the Strawberry Creek Almanac--a listing of Creek ballers past and present along with their noms de guerre and notable characteristics.

Can the pleasure of a few philosophers when they gaze on the seven threads of light separated by the Newtonian prism compare with the ease and comfort every man living might feel seven times a day, by discharging freely the wind from his bowels? Especially if it be converted into a perfume! -- Benjamin Franklin