Saturday, April 18, 2009

Rumors Swirl About Riccobono's Demand for Trade

After Los Strawberitos humiliated the Hoopsters last Thursday night, the joy of victory permeated the Itos locker room. But the smiles, laughter, and butt pats were just a thin veneer above a swirl of rumor, controversy, and speculation. It seems that the Itos leading scorer (in more ways than one), Juanito "Chest King" Riccobonito has demanded that he be traded to the Bananitos of Wayne, New Jersey. Chest King has refused to discuss his reasons, saying only, "Wayne! Wayne! Wayne!"

Several theories have been floated. One theory is that Riccobono is feeling the pressure of being the leading scorer on the Itos and is looking for a more relaxed role. Ricco was heard shouting "Move it, move it, move it!" at his teammates, (and post-game at several patrons at the bar) and some have speculated that Juanito is cracking up under the pressure. If he were to play for the Bananitos, Ricco would be the third string towel boy behind 7'3" Kryzyx Balanavanskinski of Dhunkbollistan.

Some say the trade demand has less to do with basketball than it does with location. One Strawberito, who spoke on the condition of anonimity, said, "He just hates the Bay Area. The beautiful scenery, boundless nightlife, perfect weather, and freckly girls just make him nervous, and the lack of strip malls gives him hives. We just want Boner to be happy."

Other Itos were less sanguine, and were apparently plotting to involve Riccobono in a nightclub/taser/farm animal incident that would lead to legal troubles and a Julius-style anklet that would keep the Chest King in state for the forseable future.