New Stat Policy Stirs Trouble

Yes, Los Strawberitos have gone undefeated for four straight seasons. Yes, they have held seven different opponents scoreless, won every game by at least 45 points, and are as SOGgy as they come. But will the new UCSF policy of keeping individual player statistics drive Los Itos to crack apart at the seams?

Beginning with tonight's games, statistics including points scored, field goal percentage, balls off the forehead, winks at gorgeous freckly girls, and butt pats will be officially tallied. Already, it seems, this has caused some infighting amongst the Itos.

One Ito, who asked that his name be withheld, said, "Well, we can just basically assume that Gerardo will never pass the ball again. He's always been a bit of a ball hog, and this will probably push him over the edge. I think I'll only give him the ball as a last resort."

Drew "Halfbeast" "Afternoon Delights" "Steamtrain" "Numbfingers" "Koolaid" Halfman, told this reporter, "If Curlito tries to pull me from the game just to pad his goddamn wink stats, I will fight him. There will be bare-knucklism."

Soon enough it will become clear whether this will be yet another season of Strawberito triumph or whether their empire will crumble into ruins of bickering, uncalled-for butt pats, and bare-knucklism.

"Breaking" News: 'Ito Suffers Broken (or at least, really, really sore) ribs during WARMUPS.

That's how badass we are, folks.

Rookito Injured!

In last Thursday's 45 point victory of the Whore Horses, Rookito Tom M. Smithito was badly injured by the flapping lip of the Whore Horses' #10- Douchebag del Floppyhair Whinesalot Jr.. Smithito's right eye was badly bruised when del Floppyhair Whinesalot's lower lip slapped el Rookito in the face as Tom drove past #10 for the dunk.

After the game, Tomito told reporters, "Yeah, it stings, and I'm sure it'll look like high-class drag queen eye make up in the morning." He said he did not think Douchebag hit him on purpose, but rather that Douchebag "just keeps that revolting pie-hole in such a frenzy at all times. I think he has no idea where his lips are at any given moment. It's a hazard."

Whinesalot kept his gigantic, fleshy lips in constant motion throughout the game, complaining of fouls, travels, uniform violations, illegal defense, offsides, high-sticking, and jaywalking on each and every possession.

El Rookito was not the only casualty. Both refs, three Strawberitos, and even a fellow Whore Horse were treated for nausea and ear discomfort after listening to del Floppyhair Whinesalot Jr. for the duration of the game.

Said Comish Dennis Hoang, "We're looking into the legality of having his vocal cords cut like they do to those yappy little dogs."

Rumors Swirl About Riccobono's Demand for Trade

Wayne, New JerseyJuanito "Trade Me" Riccobono

After Los Strawberitos humiliated the Hoopsters last Thursday night, the joy of victory permeated the Itos locker room. But the smiles, laughter, and butt pats were just a thin veneer above a swirl of rumor, controversy, and speculation. It seems that the Itos leading scorer (in more ways than one), Juanito "Chest King" Riccobonito has demanded that he be traded to the Bananitos of Wayne, New Jersey. Chest King has refused to discuss his reasons, saying only, "Wayne! Wayne! Wayne!"

Several theories have been floated. One theory is that Riccobono is feeling the pressure of being the leading scorer on the Itos and is looking for a more relaxed role. Ricco was heard shouting "Move it, move it, move it!" at his teammates, (and post-game at several patrons at the bar) and some have speculated that Juanito is cracking up under the pressure. If he were to play for the Bananitos, Ricco would be the third string towel boy behind 7'3" Kryzyx Balanavanskinski of Dhunkbollistan.

Some say the trade demand has less to do with basketball than it does with location. One Strawberito, who spoke on the condition of anonimity, said, "He just hates the Bay Area. The beautiful scenery, boundless nightlife, perfect weather, and freckly girls just make him nervous, and the lack of strip malls gives him hives. We just want Boner to be happy."

Other Itos were less sanguine, and were apparently plotting to involve Riccobono in a nightclub/taser/farm animal incident that would lead to legal troubles and a Julius-style anklet that would keep the Chest King in state for the forseable future.

Barack Obama can talk some shit!

We may want to mix these in to the next version of our theme song.

"Rogue Strawberitos destroy souls at University Open Gym"

The RSF Open Gym at the UC Berkeley Campus was host to a series of horrid atrocities early Monday afternoon. Witnesses confirmed Tom Smith, Bob Faris, and Johnnybones at the scene, drinking blood and eating the intestines of student athletes who thought they were in for a session of simple pick up basketball, which many students on campus turn to for cardiovascular exercise and character building. Instead, said students were subjected to 3 hours of torture, cannibalism, and of course, the Strawberito legend of "soul sucking" in which one human being literally sucks the soul through the knee caps of another human being.

"The big one," a survivor said, "they called him Bob...there was just...blood...everywhere."

Other witnesses identified future Strawberito Tom Smith. "It was his dirty white tee shirt," an onlooker said. "Unmistakable. When you see the soiled white cotton, you rarely live to tell about it. I guess I just got lucky." This eye witness who chose to remain unnamed, "One minute he's calling out 'free throw' in an effort to designate his place on the court, the next minute, he's eating testicles."

It seems the game had started out as any regular game of pick up basketball would. Witnesses testify that one of the victims who (surprisingly) was actually on the same team of the Strawberitos made a mistake which cost him his life. Johnnnybones acknowledged his hard work gathering a rebound and said "Take it to the hoop, shoot it, shoot it, you deserve it paison!" The blond headed, barely post pubescent victim grew angry, retorting with, "No! That's not how this game is run!" Johhnybones was simply encouraging him in an effort to bolster his confidence. It was at this point that the Strawberito rage spurred the carnage.

Following this catalyst, the 3 Strawberitos took on the remaining 7 players. It started out with free throw range jump shots, beast moves to the hoop, and no look passes. It ended with testicle munching, spine smashing, and of course, crotchular moisture bombs from the adoring female on lookers.

No Strawberitos could be caught for questioning by the press, however one bystander reported that after the atrocities were over, after all the carnage and sexual arousal, Tom Smith's only words were, "I could go for a McDonald's Sunday."

Strawberitos Win Game, Lose Money

The Office of the Commissioner has announced that Strawberitos Pete "Pistolerito" Frankletronics and Pedrazo "Tritipito" Pistolson have each been fined $10,000 for their conduct in Los Strawberitos 57-56 win over MOD/16/GLUP/17-B last Thursday.
In a brief interview, the Comish stated, "Mr. Franklemaster's vicious clothesline kung-fu throat punch intentional foul was just unnacceptable. I know that the competition gets fierce, but Franklefest is a role model for thousands of kids out there."
During the play in question, Pistolerito chased down Elbert McGangly of MOD-14/POO and thrust his fist through McGangly's throat. Blood poured forth in a fountain that soaked members of the crowd and press in the front rows. McGangly was taken to a hospital where he continues in stable but serious condition. Pistols was hit with a technical foul but was not ejected.
Through his agent, Frankleweb said in response to the fine, "I was just trying to hold McGangly up so he wouldn't fall. By the throat. With my fist."
Tritipito's fine was issued for arguing with the referee of the game, Chubbly FitzCataracts. Disagreeing with a no-call on what appeared to be a clear foul, Pedrazo yelled to FitzCataracts, "You [expletive] [expletive] fuckface. That was an [expletive] foul." When FitzCataracts did not respond, the enraged Strawberito rammed a finger of each hand into each of the ref's nostrils and pulled him close. "You [expletive] [expletive]! I'll [expletive] your [expletive] with a [expletive] goatfucking [expletive] waxing services mutherfucker!" The Comish stated, "Mr. Pedroson (sic) must learn to express his opinions in an appropriate manner."
Pedro told this reporter, "That's bullshit. I was totally calm. I think I said 'please' six times."
Both players claimed that the $10,000 fines would not be much of a hardship. Franklefeast said, "Guess I'll just have them hold the diamond dust in the cocain for a night."