"Rogue Strawberitos destroy souls at University Open Gym"

The RSF Open Gym at the UC Berkeley Campus was host to a series of horrid atrocities early Monday afternoon. Witnesses confirmed Tom Smith, Bob Faris, and Johnnybones at the scene, drinking blood and eating the intestines of student athletes who thought they were in for a session of simple pick up basketball, which many students on campus turn to for cardiovascular exercise and character building. Instead, said students were subjected to 3 hours of torture, cannibalism, and of course, the Strawberito legend of "soul sucking" in which one human being literally sucks the soul through the knee caps of another human being.

"The big one," a survivor said, "they called him Bob...there was just...blood...everywhere."

Other witnesses identified future Strawberito Tom Smith. "It was his dirty white tee shirt," an onlooker said. "Unmistakable. When you see the soiled white cotton, you rarely live to tell about it. I guess I just got lucky." This eye witness who chose to remain unnamed, "One minute he's calling out 'free throw' in an effort to designate his place on the court, the next minute, he's eating testicles."

It seems the game had started out as any regular game of pick up basketball would. Witnesses testify that one of the victims who (surprisingly) was actually on the same team of the Strawberitos made a mistake which cost him his life. Johnnnybones acknowledged his hard work gathering a rebound and said "Take it to the hoop, shoot it, shoot it, you deserve it paison!" The blond headed, barely post pubescent victim grew angry, retorting with, "No! That's not how this game is run!" Johhnybones was simply encouraging him in an effort to bolster his confidence. It was at this point that the Strawberito rage spurred the carnage.

Following this catalyst, the 3 Strawberitos took on the remaining 7 players. It started out with free throw range jump shots, beast moves to the hoop, and no look passes. It ended with testicle munching, spine smashing, and of course, crotchular moisture bombs from the adoring female on lookers.

No Strawberitos could be caught for questioning by the press, however one bystander reported that after the atrocities were over, after all the carnage and sexual arousal, Tom Smith's only words were, "I could go for a McDonald's Sunday."

Strawberitos Win Game, Lose Money

The Office of the Commissioner has announced that Strawberitos Pete "Pistolerito" Frankletronics and Pedrazo "Tritipito" Pistolson have each been fined $10,000 for their conduct in Los Strawberitos 57-56 win over MOD/16/GLUP/17-B last Thursday.
In a brief interview, the Comish stated, "Mr. Franklemaster's vicious clothesline kung-fu throat punch intentional foul was just unnacceptable. I know that the competition gets fierce, but Franklefest is a role model for thousands of kids out there."
During the play in question, Pistolerito chased down Elbert McGangly of MOD-14/POO and thrust his fist through McGangly's throat. Blood poured forth in a fountain that soaked members of the crowd and press in the front rows. McGangly was taken to a hospital where he continues in stable but serious condition. Pistols was hit with a technical foul but was not ejected.
Through his agent, Frankleweb said in response to the fine, "I was just trying to hold McGangly up so he wouldn't fall. By the throat. With my fist."
Tritipito's fine was issued for arguing with the referee of the game, Chubbly FitzCataracts. Disagreeing with a no-call on what appeared to be a clear foul, Pedrazo yelled to FitzCataracts, "You [expletive] [expletive] fuckface. That was an [expletive] foul." When FitzCataracts did not respond, the enraged Strawberito rammed a finger of each hand into each of the ref's nostrils and pulled him close. "You [expletive] [expletive]! I'll [expletive] your [expletive] with a [expletive] goatfucking [expletive] waxing services mutherfucker!" The Comish stated, "Mr. Pedroson (sic) must learn to express his opinions in an appropriate manner."
Pedro told this reporter, "That's bullshit. I was totally calm. I think I said 'please' six times."
Both players claimed that the $10,000 fines would not be much of a hardship. Franklefeast said, "Guess I'll just have them hold the diamond dust in the cocain for a night."

Nice uni's!

We all know Strawberry Creek can be a rough place, but this may be taking it too far. These hoodlums need to be dealt with.

Watch this video--it includes a wild twist ending.

Go 'Itos.

Trouble brewing in Strawberito locker room?

Trouble in Strawberito locker room?

Early reports following Thursday night’s nail biting 45 point victory indicated a potential division between players in the Strawberito locker room. It is said that some are starting to question Jonathan Curley’s dedication to the franchise. Unnamed players are pointing to Curley’s devotion to his music as a distraction to the season.

“It’s just a matter of focus,” one player said. “You see him out there going through the motions. It’s like when he’s shooting foul shots, his mind is wrapped around potential lyrics to a new hit pop tune, and nowhere near where it should be which is to make that foul shot!”

Sources confirmed earlier this week that Jonathan Curley did play a show at the famed “Stork Club” of Oakland. Those who were there did indicate that Curley “brought the house down” with his infusion of experimental post modern electro hip hop and folky acoustic sing-alongs. “There’s just nobody out there that can touch him,” a fan said. “When he gets up there and hits play on his computer--that music kicks in and just takes you over. You have no choice but to shake your pants.”

While Curley’s music may equate to a religious experience to some, others are singing a different tune. It is believed that at least 3 members of the Strawberitos are frustrated with Curley’s off the court antics, whereas the other remaining players seem to have been seduced by Curley’s musical vision. An internet rumor indicated that at least one Strawberito member was actually seen wearing a “Team Nisto” fan shirt—Team Nisto, of course, Curley’s musical alter ego.

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In other news, Drew “Kool-Aid” Halfmann was curiously absent from Thursday night’s game. Halfmann has a history of unexplained absences during his career. Could this add to the growing rift in the Strawberito locker room? Probably not.

Berkeley Legend Tom Smith to join 'Itos?

 

 

 

Rumors were swirling early Wednesday afternoon after an insider leaked confidential information from within the Strawberito organization.  At this point, nothing is confirmed and no one has been identified, although many sources point to current Strawberito guard, Ben Sanoff, as the potential leak due to his close ties with the Oakland Tribune and the San Francisco Chronicle. 

 

The intergoogle message boards were electrified by rumors of a new potential free agent signing for the up and coming Strawberito season 3.  Again, nothing is confirmed, but many believe the club has been in negotiations with long time Berkeley legend, Tom Smith, to fill the vacant roster spot, in an effort to fortify the Strawberito front court. 

 

Smith denied comment to reporters as he was seen exiting an Oakland night club called The Stork Club late Tuesday night.  “Leave me alone,” Smith said.  When asked about his slightly hipster appearance, Smith smirked and replied,” Hey, my wife dresses me.  Happy wife, happy life.”  With that, he disappeared into the shadows.

 

Stay tuned for more late breaking information as this story develops.

Strawberitos Winter 2009 Schedule

15 Jan 9 pm Booty
22 Jan 6 pm Advent Ballers
29 Jan 9 pm MOD 6/17
05 Feb 6 pm Flander's Five
12 Feb 9 pm Hoopsters
19 Feb 6 pm Boardcrashers
26 Feb 6 pm Shockers
05 Mar 6 pm Playoffs
12 Mar 7 pm Finals

Strawberito Board Announces Official Drink of Los Strawberitos.

The elder statesmen of the Strawberito Board held a press conference earlier today to announce the induction of the Official Beverage of the Los Strawberitos franchise. The apropriately named, Strawberito, was announced after much deliberation.  Many were shocked and appalled when the announcement was made as many believed Pabst Blue Ribbon to be the favorite.  The Strawberito is born whence vodka, strawberry liquere, lime, mint, sugar, and soda are combined in a frost mug, topped off by a pink umbrella.

For best results, consume after 10 PBR's.

The Strawberito is the national drink of the Czech Republic where millions have toasted the Strawberitos with "Long's drinks" at Café Egerländer at Prague's Hotel Monty for a mere 125 koruna.