Sethtastico Hubbard Free Agency Drama Finally Ends

In an hour-long, televised press conference Sethtastico "Hubba Hubba" Hubbard ended the suspense and signed with Los Strawberitos. For months, the world's most famous basketball player kept sports fans on tenterhooks as he delayed deciding which team he would join.

Los Strawberitos faced fierce competition for Hubbard. The Broken Shovels had by far the most salary-cap room of any team. Their offer was reportedly the most lucrative, and included a 40% ownership stake in Digg.com. Someone close to the negotiations also said the Shovels offered to establish an official team rule that would have made Hubbard the only team member to be allowed to shoot or dribble. It was not enough to lure Sethtastico.

Hubbard may have been tempted by the Ninja Happymeals, and a chance to play with guard Scrawny van Scoresalot. Reportedly, when Sethtastico expressed reservations about playing with Scrawny's troubled and troublesome teammate Dhooshi bin Lhezi Rhunshismouth, the Ninja Happymeals front office offered to cut Rhunshismouth and have him shot in a local park.

In the end though, it was Los Strawberitos with their generous beer and taco bonus package, storied history, seven season winning streak, and sartorial excellence that won Hubbard over. He concluded the prime-time press conference saying, "I've been dreaming of wearing that pink for a long, long time."

Hubbard was not the only player Los Itos considered signing. General Manager Juanito Riccojuanazo told our reporters, "We were considering signing God. His ability to cover opponents in boils is unrivaled in the league, but in the end he just doesn't have Hubbard's combination of strength and skill. Also there were questions about his health, including one unconfirmed report that he was dead."

Ringworm Brothers Forfeit, Flee

Los Strawberitos completed their undefeated season last night when the Ringworm Brothers, who were to have been the Itos last regular-season opponents, forfeited the game and fled the state.

The Ringworm captain, Galumphy van Cromagnon, left this message for Comish Dennis Huang: "We regret to inform the league that we will forfeit tonights game. It turns out we just love being alive, with all internal organs in place."

No member of the Ringworm Brothers could be reached for comment and all appear to have left the state and gone into hiding. It appears that each player fled to a different location in hopes of not being traced. A close friend of one Ringworm, who declined to give his name, said, "Alls I can tell you is they're far away from those monsters in pink."

Strawberitos coach, Sideline Bill, had this to say: "It would have been nice to rip their livers out. Crush their hopes and dreams like puffy popcorn in a powerful paper press. Maybe eat their children. But we'll take the win. We're looking ahead to the playoffs." Los Itos play Halfwit Hennessy next Wednesday for a spot in the world championship game.

In late breaking news, it appears that one Ringworm Brother made the unfortunate choice of fleeing to Wayne New Jersey. he was spotted sprinting across a strip-mall parking lot, pursued by a man wearing only a John Starks jersey.

'Tis the Season

Los Strawberitos have always been known for giving- giving their opponents beatings, giving each other butt pats. But this holiday season, the Itos are giving to their communities in other ways.

Gerardo "Mama Bear" Horta donated 14 pairs of tall black socks to a local orphanage, and Drew "Dr. Numbfingers, etc." Halfbeast gave one of his nicknames to a needy highschooler, who otherwise might have had to leave the school's wrestling team. Tom "Witness Protection" Smith gave dancing lessons to a group of underpriveledged youth. As one youth said afterwards, "Man, now I can dance just like Michael Jackson. The multiple slaps in the face were really worth it, and actually taught me a valuable lesson about not wearing dorky clothes such as this sweater."

Pito "Pistolero" Franklemetrics donated a drawing of trees to the city of Cleveland, and Benito "Dresspants" Nuuuuuuhmmn signed autographs for 29 consecutive hours at a Jewish retirement home in Miami. Bob "Postgame" Ferris spent all of Christmas day cooking a Squenison feast at a local homeless shelter, and Curley "Jonathan" Curlito shaved his head in order to donate a lovely wig to a child with lukemia.

Ben "FNG" Fanoff was scheduled to help build houses for quadrapalegic swine flu victims from Sudan, but had to cancel at the last minute. He sent an apology by text: "Cnt mk it. Powder too sweet. Srry." Juanito "Chestkingito" Riccobonito, however, came through with flying colors. As his Kwanza gift to New jersey he waived his usual 750,000 dollar speaking fee and gave an inspirational talk to a group of 4th graders in Newark. "Kids," he told them "When times get [expletive] tough, [expletive] it. [Extended expletive] grab your [expletive] by the [expletive] and just chomp down on life like it was a pair of testicles."

Perhaps the brightest gift of all came from Pedrazo "Tritipito" Peterson who gave an individually wrapped present to every scholarship student at two Catholic women's colleges- Our Lady of Perpetual Temptation in Santa Monica and Santa Catalina do las Piernas en Rio de Janeiro. Inside each festive gift box? A signed framed photo of Peterson in his new Brazialian swimsuit.

New Stat Policy Stirs Trouble

Yes, Los Strawberitos have gone undefeated for four straight seasons. Yes, they have held seven different opponents scoreless, won every game by at least 45 points, and are as SOGgy as they come. But will the new UCSF policy of keeping individual player statistics drive Los Itos to crack apart at the seams?

Beginning with tonight's games, statistics including points scored, field goal percentage, balls off the forehead, winks at gorgeous freckly girls, and butt pats will be officially tallied. Already, it seems, this has caused some infighting amongst the Itos.

One Ito, who asked that his name be withheld, said, "Well, we can just basically assume that Gerardo will never pass the ball again. He's always been a bit of a ball hog, and this will probably push him over the edge. I think I'll only give him the ball as a last resort."

Drew "Halfbeast" "Afternoon Delights" "Steamtrain" "Numbfingers" "Koolaid" Halfman, told this reporter, "If Curlito tries to pull me from the game just to pad his goddamn wink stats, I will fight him. There will be bare-knucklism."

Soon enough it will become clear whether this will be yet another season of Strawberito triumph or whether their empire will crumble into ruins of bickering, uncalled-for butt pats, and bare-knucklism.

"Breaking" News: 'Ito Suffers Broken (or at least, really, really sore) ribs during WARMUPS.

That's how badass we are, folks.

Rookito Injured!

In last Thursday's 45 point victory of the Whore Horses, Rookito Tom M. Smithito was badly injured by the flapping lip of the Whore Horses' #10- Douchebag del Floppyhair Whinesalot Jr.. Smithito's right eye was badly bruised when del Floppyhair Whinesalot's lower lip slapped el Rookito in the face as Tom drove past #10 for the dunk.

After the game, Tomito told reporters, "Yeah, it stings, and I'm sure it'll look like high-class drag queen eye make up in the morning." He said he did not think Douchebag hit him on purpose, but rather that Douchebag "just keeps that revolting pie-hole in such a frenzy at all times. I think he has no idea where his lips are at any given moment. It's a hazard."

Whinesalot kept his gigantic, fleshy lips in constant motion throughout the game, complaining of fouls, travels, uniform violations, illegal defense, offsides, high-sticking, and jaywalking on each and every possession.

El Rookito was not the only casualty. Both refs, three Strawberitos, and even a fellow Whore Horse were treated for nausea and ear discomfort after listening to del Floppyhair Whinesalot Jr. for the duration of the game.

Said Comish Dennis Hoang, "We're looking into the legality of having his vocal cords cut like they do to those yappy little dogs."

Rumors Swirl About Riccobono's Demand for Trade

Wayne, New JerseyJuanito "Trade Me" Riccobono

After Los Strawberitos humiliated the Hoopsters last Thursday night, the joy of victory permeated the Itos locker room. But the smiles, laughter, and butt pats were just a thin veneer above a swirl of rumor, controversy, and speculation. It seems that the Itos leading scorer (in more ways than one), Juanito "Chest King" Riccobonito has demanded that he be traded to the Bananitos of Wayne, New Jersey. Chest King has refused to discuss his reasons, saying only, "Wayne! Wayne! Wayne!"

Several theories have been floated. One theory is that Riccobono is feeling the pressure of being the leading scorer on the Itos and is looking for a more relaxed role. Ricco was heard shouting "Move it, move it, move it!" at his teammates, (and post-game at several patrons at the bar) and some have speculated that Juanito is cracking up under the pressure. If he were to play for the Bananitos, Ricco would be the third string towel boy behind 7'3" Kryzyx Balanavanskinski of Dhunkbollistan.

Some say the trade demand has less to do with basketball than it does with location. One Strawberito, who spoke on the condition of anonimity, said, "He just hates the Bay Area. The beautiful scenery, boundless nightlife, perfect weather, and freckly girls just make him nervous, and the lack of strip malls gives him hives. We just want Boner to be happy."

Other Itos were less sanguine, and were apparently plotting to involve Riccobono in a nightclub/taser/farm animal incident that would lead to legal troubles and a Julius-style anklet that would keep the Chest King in state for the forseable future.